Sailor Moon Says, Season 1: July and the Season Finale
Welcome to Sailor Moon Says: Your Weekly Alternative! There won't be any new episodes until next fall, but you can still read the old ones. They used to be in reverse chornological order, but now they are in correct chronological order, so instead of having to follow links from one segment to the next, you can simply scroll down. There are two months' worth of episodes per page. This page contains all the episodes from July of 1997 and the Season Finale. You can go directly to the other months via the links below if you want to.
Season 1
March and April
May and June
July and the Season Finale

Saturday, July 5th, 1997
And now, the Moonlight Knight Club is proud to present... Alan and the Cardigans!!! Thank you, thank you, everybody! Ready? Ready. We love you Alan! We love you, Molly! I feel left out. Dadada.... Ooooohhhhh!!!! Shut up, meatball head! Dadada.... Why don't you, zucchini head? That doesn't make any sense! Dadada.... You make less sense than what I say! Oh, yeah? Yeah! Oh, yeah? Yeah! Oh, yeah? Yeah! Hold up, girls! Adoring fans, are you fighting over me again? Oh, shut up!!! I didn't get a chance to sing! Nya-nya-nya! I still feel left out... Moon Crystal Power!!! Mars Star Power!!! Can't we have just one Sailor Moon Says without a fight? No!!! That was a rhetorical question... Mars Celestial Fire Surround!!! Missed me, match girl! My guitar!!! Oops! Sorry 'bout that!! Sailor Mars is in trouble! You'll pay for that!!! Eeeek!!! Moon Tiara Magic!!! Hit Alan! Eeek!! My keyboard!!! Uh-oh... Sailor Moon, Molly's behind you! Haha! Molly Star Power!! Why am I always left out? Melvin Monkey Suit Power!! Come back here, you arsonist!!! Eeeek!! Get him away from me!!! Let me bop you on the head you frisbee-maniac!! IIIeeyyykk!! What kind of scream is that? Melvin Gas Explode!! My lunch!!! Come here, dork! I bet you don't feel left out anymore!! Can't catch me! Hahaha! Why is she chasing my Melvin! Come back here, Mina!! Whew! Wait! Why are you chasing after her? We're a band! Stop it I say! He stopped chasing me! Alan! Wait'll you hear what Melvin did! He is such a jerk! Alan! Stop running away from me!! I'm safe! Molly! Mina! Alan! Sailor Moon Says: Alan's band is so immature! Sailor Mars Says: Really! Fighting over the silliest things! *Sigh* If you girls would only take your own advice...

Saturday, July 12th, 1997
I'm lost. Who are you?? I'm Terra! Sailor Earth! Stop pestering her, meatball head! B-but-- Meatball head!! I'm so smart! Amy! Save me! Please! Why should I? You're stupid!! I have an accent, and you don't, Serena! Let's sing that really annoying, taunting song! I don't think I know a really annoying, taunting song! Sure you do! It goes like this: *Nya nya nya nya nya nya na! Nya nya nya nya nya nya na!* I cook! A lot! Serena eats! A lot! Why are you all being so mean to me?? Whaaa!!! Awwww!!! Now Serena's crying!! Haw haw!! She can't even sing!!!! This has to be a nightmare! Wake up, Serena! She hates milk!! I'll pinch myself! Whoa! It was a nightmare!! I think I'm on the wrong web site... Sailor Moon Says: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!

Saturday, July 19th, 1997
Countries are everywhere! Right! I bet there's no more than 10 acres of land on this planet that's not part of a country! Which planet? Venus or Earth? What do you think? She doesn't! What? Nevermind! Think! Okay, I'll try to... Ow! Waaaahhh! Now my head hurts!! *Sigh* Let's try that Turbo Scouts thing again! Mars Lightning Turbo Power! Jupiter Thunder Turbo Power! Mercury Blaster Turbo Power! Moon Chaser Turbo Power! Okay, stop rushing me... Go! Sailor Moon Turbo! Go! Okay? Is that good enough? It's Amy!! Um, Amy, come back later, it's kind of a mess in here... Wait! Don't close the door! It's my... birthday... Amy will be so surprised when she sees her surprise birthday party!! That's why they call it a surprise party... But it's my... birthday... Sailor Moon Chaser Says... Fine, then! Sailor Moon Says: Copyright's suck! Teeheehee!! Oh, I'm sure that's appropriate for our target audience!!

Saturday, July 26th, 1997
This is the season finale! No it's not, dimwit! Oh, how would you know, banana-head? Because the heading above us would say "Season Finale", not "Saturday, July 26th, 1997", cabbage-nose! Oh, you're right, spinach-ears! Watermelon-mouth! Pyromaniac! Frisbee-throwing lunatic! Shut up!!! *Pbltpblt!!* *Gasp* I'm a little teacup short and stout! Shut up, Melvin! The others should be here shortly, we went bowling. Well, 'cept for Alan and Mina. They're at a concert right now, so they're not coming... Serena!!! Hah, Melvin! You can't touch me! I tore the page so Gemini6Ice would have to tape it, and you can't get past it... Hey everyone! I bowled a strike every single time I bowled! I got a perfect score of 300!! Oh, be quiet! You're just upset 'cause you only knocked down 5 pins the entire game! That's not true! I knocked down over 200! But the rest were in other lanes! The pins only count if they were knocked down in the lane you bowled the ball from! Leave me alone!! 100 percent egotistical am I today! Yay! I'm so full of myself! Who else could you be full of? Good point! Well Serena is totally obsessed over Darien! Are not! And Melvin is obsessed over Serena... Hi, Mol! Are not! Mol? What happened to Molly? I dunno, what happened to her? Oh, no! Was she in a car accident? I hope my best friend's okay... I'm obsessed over Melvin! Really? Oh, hug me, Molly! Sure thing! Ouch! They forgot about the tape... I'm a number two pencil... Man! Now we can't make out... Yeah, bummer... I am the coolest person alive... Are not! Melvin! Molly! This is supposed to be TV-Y7! If you talk like that we'll have to up it to TV-PG!! Oh, shut up, kitty!! Merowwr!! I wanna step on his tail, too! I'm a her!! Hi, Aher! Jump over the tape, okay boy? *Sigh* Burn the pencils... Are too! I'll toss him over!! Are not! Put me down! Oops! He hit the side of the tape! Is kitty okay? No, call 911!! I have a fractured rib! I hate fractions... I can't add them. 911!! Upsey-daysey!! I caught him!! Kitty bounce! Stop bouncing me on the tape!!! His eyes are leaking!! Well cover them up! Seal 'em! On the phone, Serena! Okay! 911!!!!!! These "Hare-less" wax strips will cover kitty's eyes!! No!! Whew! I got away!! There's no answer! Try not standing on the phone, idiot! Oh, I know that, pyromaniac! Just because I love fire and like to melt food and kitchen appliaces and strike matches does not make me a pyromaniac! Come back kitty! I'm healed! Thanks, Gemini6Ice! Are too! Are not! Sailor Moon Says: I wish I were at Alan's concert... Sailor Mars Says: I am not a pyromaniac! If you don't beleive me, I'll burn your house down! Do a sincere Sailor Says, Serena! *Sigh* Fine! Sailor Moon Says: 911 is for emergencies only! If it's not an emergency, but it's still a problem, call 1-800-97-JENNY instead! You need to, Serena... *Pbltpbltpblt!!!*

Season Finale
I'm back! So is everybody else! I don't see anyone else! They're late, okay? Well, it's been a very long time since the last Sailor Moon Says! This is so exciting!! This is the Season Finale! So what do we talk about? Hey everyone! When will the next season start? Probably in 1998! What if in the year 1999, someone is reading this and thinking, "But 1998 was last year!" Then that's their problem! What will the next season be called? Oh, give it up, Alan! Your band is so yesteryear!!! My fifteen minutes of fame!! Over!! Waah!! *Sob* My fans!..... Deserted me!! Bwah-wah!! Tee-hee! How about Sailor Moon Says R! Oh please! I like "Sailor Mars Says", better! But the title Sailor Moon is a tradition! I say we keep it Sailor Moo-- Ouch!! On second, thought, let's make it Sailor Mars Says! No it stays Sailor Moon Says! Jupiter Star Power!!! Jupiter Thunder Crash!! I'll be back.... next seasoooonnn.... Well, since Sailor Mars won't be saying any more we can't name it "Sailor Mars Says"! I guess this is it, then I'll miss you all!!! Yeah, I guess we'll just find out the name next season! Bye everyone! See you next season!! Sailor Moon Says: Remember kids, glue is for pasting, not eating!!!
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