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Waddle I do?!?
Serena...
What?!?!
Before you wail, shouldn't one of us tell the readers what's going on?
I will. Okay, here's what happened: Our plane came in from France but a cow from Amy's game "Unexploded Cow" came to life and tried to eat a bomb, blowing up the entire airport.
It was a nuclear warhead.
Whatever. So, anyway, the three of us are trapped under rubble and surrounded by nuclear radiation!
What's going on?
Okay, four.
We're all gonna die!!!
I need blood...
Melvin, you're a vampire now?
Huh?
Mercury Star Power!!
Veevee Supreme Creation!!
That's not Sailor V's transformation command!
Go away! You're not in this story yet!
Nobody freakin' wants me around! *Storms off*
What's going on?!?
Oh no! The nuclear radiation is interfering with your superpowers!!
Hey! This isn't Sailor V's body!
Oh no! I look like you!!
Scariness! *Cries*
Oh no! You transformed into each other's alter-egos! That's not good!
Do I at least have my own attacks? Your VR visor says... Oh my gawd, these attacks are stupid!
Don't call my attacks stupid! They're a heck of a lot more intelligent than you are, bimbo!
Well, now that I have your body, I'm the smartest of all!
We switched bodies, not minds, idiot-box!
Oh yeah, what's pi?
Dang, I know this! But... I want to answer, "Apple!"
3.1415926535
Nooo!!!!
And anyway, the stupid attacks aren't yours I think. Listen to them: Cascading Pineapple Salad Freeze! Moonshine Happy Laser! Spinning Salt Shaker Love!
What do they do?
*Laughs* Listen to your attacks: Mother Fossil Reach! Singular Yarn Optimism! Othello Iago Away!
I think I'm going to pass out again... Wait... It's another person!
Hey, I'm crying over here!
Yeah, we don't care.
Is she okay? (Hey, she looks a little like Mina but we can tell that she's not just because.)
Must... touch her!
Get away from her, you pervert!
Oh no! He's touching the innocent, unconscious girl, who looks a little like Mina but isn't!
What? They're becoming one person!
We are singular!
What were you before, plural?
I have life force!
What's wrong with you?!?
It's the nuclear radiation! Get away from him!
Serena! You've got to become Sailor Moon and save us!
Right! Moon, Crystal, Power!!
Oh no!
What?
You're Tuxedo Mask!
Wow, being a guy feels weird...
Well, I'm a guy and a girl! Muahahaha!
The word would be... Damn you, Molly, I hate your brain!
Hermaphrodite!
What do I do?
Throw roses at Melvin! Or whatever it is that he has become!
I don't have any roses.
Then what do you have?
I have testi-
This is supposed to be appropriate for all ages! No mention of human anatomy other than that normally visible when clothed!
Who said "damn" earlier?
You just said it.
You said it first.
No, I never said that vile word.
Yes you did!
No, you're mistaken.
You said it! You said it! I heard you say it, you liar!
Back to me! I want to become more people!
This is getting annoying.
We agree! Plot device time!
There you guys are! We've been searching the entire airport's worth of debris to locate your corpses!
Did so!
Let go of me, Tuxedo Mask!
She's Sailor Moon!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouchie! Ow!
Serena, stop using Luna's body as a weapon to beat up on Amy!
I'm confused!
I'm Serena.
I'm Amy.
I'm Molly!
And I'm... a hermaphrodite!
I'm leaving.
Come back, Luna!
Don't leave us like this!
This sucks.
Let me try an attack! Maybe it'll fix everything!
You've got Violent Macaroni Desecration!, Falafel Happiness Soap!, and Funny Death Underwear!
Violent Macaroni Desecration!! What's happened?
Nothing it seems.
Except all our voices are high-pitched! Try another one!
Funny Death-
-Wait! Amy's VR Visor says that one will end the episode!-
-Underwear!!
Dang, do we have to do another re-cap?
Yes, and I'll do it this time. I'm Amy transformed into Sailor V, looking like Molly. Molly has transformed into Sailor Mercury and Serena had transformed into Tuxedo Mask, sans roses. Melvin over here has merged his life force with an innocent bystander.
Hello! I want more people!
This plotline is getting very odd.
Indeed. I think this may very well be the first three-part episode of Sailor Moon Says!
Is the season almost over?
Well, Gemini6Ice's first day of school is tomorrow, so we'd better make this episode quick.
Look at that! A big hole is opening in the ground! Let's go find out what it is!
Don't go in there, Serena!
Yeah, flames are coming out of that hole; it may not be a good place!
La-la-la.
Did somebody ask for Teletubbies?
As I said before, you're not in this episode yet! Go away!
Molly said that, not you.
I am Molly, you ditz!
No, you're Amy.
No, I'm Amy! Oh no! Serena's jumping into the hole!
After her!
Are there more people down there to absorb?
You remind me of somebody.
C'mon, let's jump into the scary pit!
But- But- Eeeeeek!!!
Hello, and welcome to the bad place.
I'm scared now. Let's go back.
Sorry, Serena, the hole closed behind us.
Artemis?
No, I'm the domain master of the bad place using the guise of your dear Artemis.
Do you have a name?
Yes.
And it would be...?
Artemis.
How do we get out of here?
No.
His red voice is scaring me...
There is one thing, however, that will free you from the bonds of the bad place.
And what's that? I wanna get out of this awful place as soon as possible!
This is not the awful place; it is the bad place.
Whatever. How do we get out of here?
You must descend through the four hoops of danger. The first one is fire.
What are the rest? Earth, air, and water?
No. They are flame, conflagration, and blaze.
This episode will take longer than Gemini6Ice originally intended. Perhaps it won't air until Monday.
Are you prepared to delve into the depths of the hoop of fire?
Not really...
You are now traversing the hoop of the eternal fire.
Zippo?
Marx!
Marco?
Polo!
Stop that! To make it through the hoop of the eternal fire, my domain, you must answer me this riddle: What stands on four legs in the morning, three in the afternoon, and falls down at night?
Are you supposed to be some wanna-be Sphinx?
I am a cat. Now shut up and answer my difficult riddle!
How can we answer your riddle if we don't talk?
I ask the questions here, not you.
Oh! This was on an episode of Ghostbusters! Man! The answer is man! Four legs in the morning, a baby. Three in the afternoon, an adult. And in old age, at night, he falls down.
No, that's four as a baby, two as an adult, and three in old age, counting a cane, Melvin.
Shut up, Amy, unless you want me to absorb you.
It's coming to me! In the morning, newly built, stands very stable, a large man sat upon, breaking a leg of the coffee table, by night another leg broke and the furniture became no more but a fable.
Wow.
That is correct! As your reward, I will restore your true forms! Beware, however, that your bodies are still imbued with nuclear radiation.
I look like myself again!
Finally I'm smart again!
My female anatomy is back!
We're separated!
Who are you?
I'm Mina.
I thought Melvin didn't meld with Mina despite the fact that the girl he melded with looked exactly like Mina!
I guess we were wrong!
No, I'm Mina!
Oh no! We're falling again!
Hey! We're back at the coffee shop! We're home!
That's good! But what do we do about two of us?
Are you ready for your orders?
Thanks for watching the coffee shop while we were gone!
Isn't the waitress supposed to take our orders?
I've not watched the coffee shop. I watch my domain, the hoop of nasty flame.
Oh, I guess we're not done yet. Poofoo.
Be ready. Your test awaits.
Hello.
Hey Darien! Wait... your voice sounds kind of red!
Your an idiot. UR stupid drinking cofee awl day!
You can't even spell, and you call us the idiots?
Mina, what's happening to your hand!
I don't know! Agh!! I'm spontaneously-humanly-combusting!!
Oh no! I blew up! I was too young to die!!
Oh I get it! This is a nasty flame, like annoying e-mails that web authors sometimes get!
Well, how do we continue to the next hoop?
We simply don't retaliate to his flaming!
Your ugly, Serena. Their dumbbutts isn't even as dumb as u r.
Oh no! I'm falling into the couch!
We all are!
Where are we now?
We appear to be trapped inside the sofa.
That's better than under it.
Yeah, that hurt.
Welcome to the third hoop, my domain, the hoop of the non-retarded conflagration.
What an appealing name! *Rolls eyes*
Silence in my chamber, lest I feed you to the dogs!
...
Eat this.
What is it? It looks like feces!
It is. Now eat it! Or do you wish to fail my test!
*Gags* Okay, *Holds nose* I can do thi- This isn't poop! It's chocolate! Mmm, it's good too!
What'll the network censors do to us?
We're not part of a network!
Woohoo!
You have passed the test of trusting a chef with your taste buds. Congratulations.
Hey! What happened to the lights?
I'm scared again!
I found a door! Um, we're in a plane?
How'd we all fit in that small lavatory?
Lavatory... Maybe it really was poop!
I'm gonna throw up...
Somebody get her an air sickness bag!
Hello, this is your pilot speaking. We are about to descend into the fourth hoop of dark blaze. Please fasten your safety belts!
Oh no! All the seats are taken! Can we sit with somebody? Please!
I feel better now.
Look! The wing is on fire!
We're gonna die!
I'm gonna throw up again!
I'm gonna have another bag of peanuts! These are honey-roasted and all-so-yummy!
We have now arrived at some airport. Please exit the cabin.
We're alive?
And no longer glowing with nuclear radiation!
I'm soooo happy!!!
Welcome back!!!
How was your trip to France? Ah, you found Molly!
Um, I may be dumb, but this isn't right.
Right, we already came back from France, a long time ago!
And I didn't go! But Lita, Artemis, and Darien were there!
I stayed behind, too!
No, I've been in America all this time... Ever since the train ride from Las Vegas...
No you weren't! Hey, how'd the aiport get rebuilt?
Perhaps they are suffering from jet-lag?
I think so... Let's go home, Serena.
Yeah, your plane was delayed a few hours, and we're tired of waiting around, so let's go home.
Oh, and this episode is getting long, with the exciting plane ride you guys had and all, so could you go ahead and end the episode, Serena?
Sailor Moon Says: I don't understand what's going on!
You never do.
Now that I'm back, do you think I should start looking for a job, Serena?
Well, this penthouse is paid for with the money you and Melvin won in Las Vegas, so what other expenses do you have?
I'm a shallow, superficial girl, like you, and I love shopping!
Hey, I'm not- But I do like shopping...
Sorry, just popping in to ask you guys something...
Yeah?
Is having pleasure derived from the shopping experience the only requirement to constitute one as as superficial? And on that note, does that necessarily coincide with superficiality; are there not shopaholics who are quite deep as well as shallow people that despise spending time at any store whatsoever?
Huh.
Nevermind. I'll see you guys later!
Where ya goin'?
Oh, I'm going shopping.
Okay, bye!
Bye!!
Is there any chance of you guys ever getting along?
Well, we seem to be better around each other ever since the airport incident. Wait, do three episodes make it count as incidents?
I dunno; so, can you use the money from Las Vegas to shop?
Well, if I don't have to go find a job, then there's no point to Gemini6Ice actually writing this episode.
Oh.
Besides, all the money is in Melvin and Amy's joint-account now. I'm broke.
Then let's find you a job, Molly-dear! *Shouts* Melvin, where's the Sunday paper?!?
Gemini6Ice is writing this on Saturday!! We haven't gotten the Sunday paper yet!!
What about last week's Sunday paper?!?
This is the first episode written since August 13th!!
Do we still have that paper?!?
The 13th was a Monday!!
We didn't have the Sunday before it's paper?!?
Yeah, we did!!
Do we still have it?!?
Yeah, but it's a mess!!
Why is it a mess?!?
Well, first I was looking for a comic strip about an obese feline, and I had to go through the whole paper to find it-
Aren't there, like, six of those now? One should be pretty easy to find!
Could you guys keep it down?!? I'm trying to watch Beastmaster!!
Well, the funny pages are hard to find!! Then, Amy needed wrapping paper and we didn't have any, so she used the paper!! Then we needed movie listings, but she had used the table of contents to wrap a toaster, so we had to tear up the whole thing looking for movie listings!!
First of all, you could've called the stupid movie theater, Melvin!! And second, shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!!
Thanks, Melvin!
Hope you can read it.
Why is it wet?
I read the funny pages while swimming.
Ew. I mean, oh.
Le'see.. where are the classifieds.. Here we go!
Here's one: "Needed: phone psychic. $2.99 an hour."
Don't they charge that much every minute?
Yeah, you should get more than that.
"'50s-style waitressing?"
That sounds cool!
Oh, nevermind.
What?
1850s.
Isn't that when bathing suits were full suits?
Yeah, I guess that was when mini-malls were the only shopping malls.
Hey, some mini-malls have nice boutiques!
Yeah, but outside California, they're rare.
Good point. You should be on debate team!
How much does that pay?
It's an extra-curricular activity.
Big word, but we're not in high school anymore.
Then shouldn't we be in college?
I don't think we were accepted anywhere, were we?
Just because I didn't take the SAT! I tried to, but they wouldn't let me in! They said I didn't know how to register or something!
You have to register ahead of time to take the SAT, Serena.
You mean plan ahead of time when I'm going to take a test to get into college? Who would wanna do that?
A lot of people, apparently.
Did you take the SATs, Molly?
Um... yeah.
So, how'd you do?
The score wasn't too... positive.
Well, how bad was it?
I mean, it was a negative score.
That's not even possible, is it?
Probably not. But imposible things always happen to me. Like the time I found an alligator in my toilet's water-tank.
We were five. It was plastic, from the game where you pull teeth from it.
No, that was "Crocodile Dentist," as in crocodile, not alligator!
So there was a crocodile in your toilet, not an alligator?
Right. And then there was that time a dolphin attacked me off the coast of Florida.
I thought there were sharks down there, not dolphins!
Yeah, but this was before the sharks moved in and ate all the Floridian dolphins. Besides, I'm sure it didn't do it on porpoise.
Purpose.
Huh?
You said, "purpoise;" you mispronounced, "purpose."
No, I didn't; it was a joke, a play on words.
Well nobody laughed.
That's because nobody got the joke.
You got the joke but didn't laugh, so it obviously wasn't funny.
I'm not gonna laugh at my own joke! I hate it when people do that!
I do that!
I know, and I hate it!
You're being really mean, today, Molly...
Stop! Don't start crying! Back to the job-hunting!
Right. *Sniffle* Wait, how about "shuffle-board instructor?"
It says "must have own cruise-liner." Who, with their own cruise-liner, needs a part-time job from the classifieds?!?
I thought we were looking for a full-time job?
I only need money for shopping. Part-time is good enough; it really doesn't matter.
How about working at the GAP?
That sounds great! Doing what?
It says "doing secretarial work at the head GAP office!"
Holy goalie! $65.78 an hour?!?! Where's the phone?!? ... Hi, yes, I'm calling in response to the classified ad in the Sunday paper, about a secretarial job? ... Uh-huh... Oh. Thank you. Bye!
Did you get the job?
No. The position's already been filled. That was the secretary I was talking to. It was filled several months ago.
Maybe she meant weeks; the paper is only a month old.
Wait... this paper is back from 2000!!
Sailor Moon Says: Melvin is so gonna get his butt kicked!!
Let's just jump to the story without silly intorductions, okay? I was at the bookstore, perusing through a book on unlimited limit theory, as defined by the probability of zero without integral values...
That's just a bunch of nonsense strung together to sound intelligent.
So?
You're lying. Don't lie.
I'm-
What were you really doing?
I was...
Well?
I was leafing through "Teen Beat," okay?
Thank you. Now continue with the story.
And whom do I run into but Lita?
I don't know; who?
This is where you run into- ouch! You knocked me over, Lita!
Oh, you dropped your magazine under this shelf... Here, let me get it... *Groan* I can almost reach it...
That's okay; let's go get a cup of coffee!
I don't like Starbucks.
Well, don't say that again. Gemini6Ice can't afford a slander suit against him, especially one from each Starbucks in the U.S.
So what's new for you?
Now, don't forget... I've been watching them this whole time from the corner of the bookstore's built-in coffee shop.
Well, I've started writing my own novel, about the trials and tribulations of a young girl named Monnie.
... Monnie...?
Monnie.
Monnie?
What's wrong with Monnie?
I don't know what's wrong with her; I haven't read your book.
No, what's wrong with the name?
It's just... weird.
Look at our names: Lita, Mina, Serena, Raye (for a girl), Halan...
Amy's a normal name. So's Darien. And Molly and Melvin, too!
Yeah, but I don't understand why you have to hold such animosity towards a fictional character who simply has an unusual name!
But you've had a normal name, so you don't know anything about what a kid with a weird name has to face in life! You're writing about another world!
The book isn't about her name; It's about her.
You said it like it was.
"Like it were;" subjunctive.
Whatever. Where's my coffee?
You didn't order any coffee.
Well, I guess I'd better go do so, then.
Hmm... Darien, why are you spying on us? ... Darien, I know that's you!
How'd you see through my clever disguise and spy-like newspaper.
First of all, your paper is called "The New York Star-Telegram," so it's obviously fake, much like something one might claim from the bottom of a kids' meal from any favorite fast food restaurant.
Well, fake newspapers cost a lot of money.
Did it ever occur to you to just cut a small hole in a real newspaper?
...
And secondly, you're wearing these stupid glasses! I mean, who would really have these glasses coupled with an oversized, off-color nose and Groucho-Marx-emulating mustache? Have you never gone undercover in your whole life?
Fine, I'll try again.
Wait! Come back! I want to know why you're spying on us! Come back!
Mmm... I love this.
Let's go.
Huh? Why?
The ineptitude of those attempting to spy on us is annoying me.
Then what do we do now?
Let's go see a movie!
Can the two of us really agreee on a movie?
Probably not. Miscellaneous athletic activity?
Like...?
Skating, golfing, bowling-
Let's go bowling!!
Okay, you go first.
Huh?
It's your turn to bowl, first.
Right here in the bookstore's coffee nook?
No, we're in the bowling alley.
How'd we get here?
We jumped scenes, to save time and writing.
I'm confused.
Shut up and roll that heavy ball with three holes drilled in it.
Okay, here I- Wait!
What?
Where are the bumpers?
I told you, we jump from scene to scene in "Sailor Moon Says;" we don't use scene bumpers.
No, on the bowling lane.
You want to bumper bowl?!?!
Well, if I don't, I usually end up with a score of five to twelve.
Fine... *Sighs* We'll bumper-bowl...
Yay! I'll go get the bumpers!
Can you get me a soda while you're up there?
Sure!
Darien, you're going to get hurt in there.
Darien's not here. Nobody but us balls.
Darien, pretending to be a bowling ball in the ball return is a clever disguise, or at least creative, but when our game starts and the bowling balls come back, they're going to give you a concussion, if not several.
How'd you tell it was me, though? My bowling ball helmet is supposed to be realistic!
It is, but the body hanging from the bowling ball kind of gave you away. Try again.
I'm not giving up.
Of course not.
Hey! Put me down!
Hey, lady, drop that ball!
I'm not really a bowling ball!! Eeeeeiiii!!!!!
I can't believe it; she got a strike rolling Darien down the lane.
Okay, the bumpers are in place!
Are you still going first?
Yeah, I guess so... Now, I need a ball. Dang, the ball return is empty.
There should be-
-And there's smoke coming out of it! I wonder if it's broken.
Probably, but there are some more bowling balls on a rack back there.
Ooh! A green one! Here I go!
Wow, look at it go!
Woohoo! I knocked four down!
But you did it three lanes down!
So?
If the ball careens over the bumpers into other lanes, pins knocked down in those lanes don't count for your score.
Then what does it count as?
Well, we can't call it foul, but I think we should just call it a gutter ball.
Can we call it a fly ball?
That's baseball.
So?
You can't combine two sports; it always results in disaster! Like baseketball, for example.
I never saw that movie. It looked too stupid.
Or even sockey!
Sockey?
A combination of the "best elements" of both soccer and hockey: two teams kicking a ball around on an ice rink while beating each other with large sticks.
I'd pay to see that.
I'm sure you would, but it's still your turn to bowl.
Is it still a gutter ball?
I don't know... Oh, here comes a referee! let's ask him!
A bowling referee?!?
Excuse me, sir, but if a bowling ball careens over the bumper into another rink does it count as a single gutter ball, a complete turn lost, or a fly ball alloing a re-try?
Hah! I did it! You thought I was a referee! My disguise worked! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Darien...
Yeah?
Are you simply wearing disguises and spying on us for the sake of it, or do you actually have a purpose?
I can't think of one...
You're an idiot.
You're no fun to spy on!
Well I don't want to be spied on!
Nobody's making you!
You're not making any sense! You're being such an idiot that I'm going to end the show now! Sailor Mercury Says: Never mix together things that belong separate, or the result will be pain, suffering, and ambiguous rules!
So... is it a fly ball or a gutter ball?
Wait... Tell me I'm dreaming!
You're dreaming.
Aw... shucks!
Not really, though. You just told me to say so.
So this is really happening?
Yep.
Wait, quick question...
What?
I know I'm not supposed to be in this episode, but I'm just wondering: what's really happening?
An episode starring just the two of us! Woohoo!
Oh, is that all? You got me excited over nothing... Sheesh!
So what are we going to do to fill up thirty minutes of airtime?
I don't believe an episode of Sailor Moon Says has ever actually taken up an entire thirty minutes, unless the reader is kind of slow at reading... Plus, most half-hour sitcoms have commercial breaks which essentially make the show itself a mere twenty minutes.
So has Sailor Moon Says ever taken up an entire twenty minutes?
No.
The question of "What are we going to do for this episode?" still remains.
Maybe this is why we've never gotten our own episode before: because we can never figure out anything to do to entertain the masses.
I wouldn't exactly call our readership "the masses."
We could go to the park.
That sounds boring.
Have you any better idea?
All right! Let's go to the park!
I thought so.
Well, here we are.
Yes, we are, indeed.
It's cold.
Thank global warming for that.
Um...?
What?
Wouldn't global warming make it... y'know... warm?
In the long run, yes. But essentially it just screws everything up. However, global warming as a process is a natural part of Earth's evolution.
Evolution... As in Pokemon or Darwin?
Let's not even go down the road of Inherit the Wind.
I don't want to inherit this wind; it's too cold.
Sometimes I wonder why I even subject myself to spending time with you.
Because it gets us our own episode!
Oh, look! It's Halan! Hi, Halan!
Hi there, cute cats!
Halan.
Yeah?
It's us.
Yeah, it's you. Cute kitty-cats.
We have names!
Aww... The cute widdle kitty-cats have names! What are your names?
You idiot! It's us! Luna! Artemis! Serena and Mina's guardian cats!
Oh. That's right. I forgot.
I have half a mind-
-That's more than Halan's got.
Oh, here comes Crash!
...Crash?
My pet bandicoot!
Run!!
Help us!!
Come back here, you silly bandicoot! Stop chasing those little kitty-cats whom I've never met!
It will chase us anywhere we go!
That bandicoot is an unstoppable engine of adrenalin!
Where do we escape?
Quick! Up that tree!
Here, boy!
Whew, Halan called that monster away!
We're safe!
Artemis?
Yeah?
How do we get down from here?
Hm, I didn't think of that...
Ladies and gentlemen, this is how cats get stuck up trees.
Who are you talking to?
Don't start acting like Raye! And anyway, you mean "whom," not "who." Whenever it is a nominal, the pronoun remains "who." But when it's the object of a sentence, it becomes "whom."
Whatever the correct pronoun is, how do we get down from here?!?
Well, genius, this little climb was your idea, so you come up with an idea to get us down from here.
I wanna go home!!!
Shut up, you idiot!
Ooh, catfight!
Get her!!
*Hiss*
Eek! Help!
Hey!
What?
When we attempted to attack Mina, we jumped off the tree! We're down!
Hey, you're right! Let's go home!
But, wait... Shouldn't we end the episode?
But I thought only Sailor Scouts could do that!
We can get Mina to do it!
She's running pretty fast!
After that Sailor Venus!!
*Hiss*
Would you look at that! Those unknown cats are gaining on some mysterious, blonde girl!
JUMP!!
Ouch! Cats! Pouncing! On! Me!
*Hiss*
No, Artemis; stop hissing and just ask her to do what we need her to do!
Oh, right... *Hiss*
Artemis!!
Fine... *Sigh* Mina, will you please end the episode for us?
Will you leave me alone if I do?
*Hiss*
He means, "yes."
Sailor Venus Says: If you're not supposed to be in an episode, don't show up! Bad things will happen!
*Hiss*
Artemis!!
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